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FlyLo Online Check-in
MELODY: Dear Sir or Madam or disgusting, snotty teenager. Welcome to the FlyLo online check-in. Checking in with FlyLo online is the quickest and easiest way to do it as well as being the only method which doesn't incur a £200 surcharge. My name is Melody and I will be your virtual check in agent. Except that I'm not virtual - I'm sitting in a back office manually checking people in for 18 hours a day because Omar said that it was cheaper than paying for the automated software. The check-in process is quick and easy but if you are incredibly stupid you may have some questions before you are ready to begin.
- Is it possible to check-in the traditional way? I'm sorry but I don't have a computer.
- What is the FlyLo boarding policy?
- I have forgotten/lost my online boarding passes
- When can I arrive at the airport?
- I have heard a lot about hidden charges with FlyLo, could you let me know what these are?
- Since I booked my ticket I have changed my name. Also I wish to change the time of my flight and the airport of departure. And I have become vegetarian. Will there be a charge for this?
1. Is it possible to check-in the traditional way? I'm sorry but I don't have a computer.
Really? Well how are you reading this then? Caught you out good and proper.
2. What is the FlyLo boarding policy?
It is this airline's policy to allow passengers on first who have especially sharp elbows or the ability to bring down passengers in front of them by tripping them up with a folded Maclaren stroller. Elsewhere on this website you will find a list of rugby clubs who can train you in advanced boarding techniques.
3. I have forgotten/lost my online boarding passes
The best thing would be to look for them.
4. When can I arrive at the airport?
I would leave now if I were you.
5. I have heard a lot about hidden charges with FlyLo, could you let me know what these are?
Sadly not as in that case they would no longer be hidden. Incidentally you have been charged ten euros for reading this answer.
6. Since I booked my ticket I have changed my name. Also I wish to change the time of my flight and the airport of departure. And I have become vegetarian. Will there be a charge for this?
No, that's fine. ARE YOU MAD? THROW YOUR TICKET AWAY AND BUY A NEW ONE. THEN THROW THAT AWAY AS WELL AND BUY A THIRD ONE.
MELODY: Great. This process should take no longer than seven to ten hours of your time depending on your internet connection. Please ensure that you have your passport and birth certificates of your ten closest relatives to hand before you begin. Okay? Let's go.
First of all I need you to enter your 97 digit e-ticket code plus your user name, password, master password and transaction receipt 41 digit number plus date of birth and name of mother's first cat. There's just one box for all of this. We're saving money to protect the environment you see.
MELODY: Yes. Why shouldn't I be?
KEELEY: Well the other week you did send that group to North Korea which was some going as we don't actually fly to North Korea.
MELODY: Well they told me that they had a very nice hen party there. Now I'm busy.
KEELEY: Well I'll be off. Hello person checking in. I would just check your tickets if I were you.
MELODY: Good, now she's gone I just need to ask you a few questions about your bags. Where did you get your bags from? Were they a bargain? Do they do those bags that look like the designer ones but only cost four quid because I really want to get myself one of those.
MELODY: Thank you sir or madam or frightening old person. Now it's time for you to print out your boarding card. As FlyLo always gives you more you will also have the opportunity to print out your sickbag, your vodka and tomato juice, a swizzle stick to go with your vodka and tomato juice and complimentary snacks to go with your vodka and tomato juice (please note there is a non discretionary charge of five euros for the complimentary snacks). We also have an in flight magazine for you in a handy microfiche format. Microfiche readers are available to hire on the plane for just 30 euros.
MELODY: You're nearly there. Now do you have an airport standard rectangular gantry metal detector at your home that you can pass through at this time?
KEELEY: Hiya Melody have you got any baggage labels?
MELODY: No I haven't got any baggage labels Keeley and I'm still busy with a customer in actual fact of just so you know.
KEELEY: Well did you do something with the labels? She used the luggage tape as boob tape you know. It didn't make any difference.
MELODY: Well at least I don't systematically steal biros and then go and sell them at car boot sales.
KEELEY: If that's your attitude then I'm off. And don't think I'm going to take over being virtual assistant in an hour because I'm not.
MELODY: Oh Keeley. I REALLY NEED A WEE!
Okay then I think we're all done. All you need to do now is to come to the airport. You can't fly on the internet! Well not yet anyway! What's that? Oh apparently you can. Well anyway, simply make your way to the bag drop (please allow six hours queuing time for this) and then go through security (best make that another six hours) and then just stretch out in comfort on a complimentary metal bench while we look for someone to clean the plane. Thank you for flying FlyLo with us.
Hello! I am a pop up message from me, Omar Baba, owner of this airline. But this is not an annoying message, no because I have something to say of the utmost importance. Apply today, today I say, tomorrow may be too late for the new FlyLo credit card. Is free of charge (£150 handling charge applies) and once you have it you will earn FlyLoMiles on all purchases. After only seven years you will have enough to take complimentary flight from Gatwick to Stansted! (taxes apply, fuel charges apply, pilot wages apply, handling charges administration costs apply). Get one today. We are number one for credit! Number one!
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